The "Butt Bandit": Hero of the Norf Central Nebraska Underground

I am shamed beyond expression that I missed this on the AP earlier today. It's in my own backyard, for crying out loud. Valentine, NE is an hour drive from my lonely outpost in Souf Central Souf Dakota. Here's the story:


VALENTINE, Neb. (AP) - Boy, how people in this town wish their
busiest vandal would find another way to make his mark.
The imprint he's left on the town has exposed way too much.
Some man has been skipping from one business to another in the
dark of the night, plastering his naked behind, and groin, on
windows.
It's easy to tell.
Store owners, church employees and school janitors have had to
wash Vaseline and lotion off the windows he strikes.
Police Chief Ben McBride says it's the strangest crime he's ever
seen. People who have seen the imprints laugh and cringe at the
same time.
Residents thought the so-called "Butt Bandit" was done using
his strange brand of graffiti months ago.
But he struck again in the past couple of weeks.


I can't believe he's back! This story popped up some months ago and then disappeared.

There may be some among you who think that the "Butt Bandit" is a terrorist, only instead of using bombs and rifles, he puts vaseline on his ass and penis and slaps them against business windows. I can see that, sort of. I spent many years in the 'peon' role in a string of mediocre jobs, exactly the kind of position that would require me to clean 'penis-line' off a window should the need arise (once vaseline is applied to the genitals it is no longer vaseline, it is penis-line. Perhaps you thought I'd go with the more obvious pun of 'ass-aline.' Sorry. I hold myself to a higher standard than that. Additionally, even at age 26 I get endless kicks out of seeing the word penis in print and will use it as often as I can...

penis.)

It must royally suck to show up to your $6.25 an hour job and be told the first thing you have to do is clean that shit off the window. However, that is simply a necessary sacrifice. It's not that I'm not a peon anymore, I definitely am. However, I'm a peon with a college degree. You can't make someone with a degree clean up penis-line. So, perhaps I am an Uncle Tom to the working poor. Still, I think the 'Butt Bandit' is a hero.

He is a shining example of what lengths people have to go to in this area to have a good time. If the 'BB' lived in a larger city, he might have some options. He could go to a theme park. He could go to a ball game. He could go to a concert. He could go to an art museum. He could do any number of things.

Here? He's got two choices. Get drunk at the bar or lube himself up and splay his ass and genitals on business windows. OR in what is likely the case, get drunk at the bar AND THEN lube himself up and splay his ass and genitals on business's windows.

Everyone here has this same choice. The 'BB' is the only one with the courage, the vision, to choose the latter.

That's why I hope they never catch him. In fact, I propose that the city of Valentine be provided with a patterned spot light, a la Batman, only with a weiner instead of a bat. Every night the police commissioner could fire it up as a way to, as Jim Gordon would say, "remind people that's he's out there."

Hopefully, there's a little bit of 'Butt Bandit' in you and me. Not too much, though. That guy is batshit nuts.