The World Hates a Bald Man, Even if He's 13 and Also Has No Toenails or Fingernails Either

http://www.parentdish.com/2008/09/09/dress-code-violation-bald-kid-told-to-lose-the-hat/?icid=100214839x1209338633x1200512078

Consider if you will the strange case of one Dale Platts, age 13, resident of the United Kingdom and current (maybe) student at Robert Pattinson School.

Dale was on the barrel end of a nasty bronchitis attack when he was but an infant. This has left his with an immune system disorder called alopecia universalis. Dale's body is completely devoid of hair, and he has no fingernails or toenails either, which is incidentally one of the weirdest things I've ever heard of. Not that I'd point that out to him, but still... WOW.

Anyhoo anyhow, since Dale has been afflicted nearly his entire life, his bare pate didn't bother him. Until, of course, he hit middle school and (cue the afterschool special music) the bullying started.

Is there a more heartless, nasty, and vile creature on the planet than a middle school student? Personally, I had one hell of a hard time getting through those years, and I had my fingernails intact.

So, Dale gets tired of the constant insults and humiliation and begins wearing a baseball hat at all times.

A brief aside... I was unaware they had baseball hats in the UK. Do they call them baseball hats? I digress.

Whu-oh, the infallible supreme commanders of Robert Pattinson School determine that the ball cap doesn't dovetail with the school's dress code policy. They offered Dale two alternatives: a woolen beanie cap, which the boy claims gave him irritating rashes, and the opportunity to be schooled in isolation.

The first day of school arrives, Dale shows up in his ball cap, and is promptly sent home. He hasn't been back.

I could decry the complete and utter lack of compassion and common sense on the part of the jackoffs running the school. I could bemoan the tragedy of a young boy, helpless when it comes to his appearance, and how he is subjected to the barbs of insecure little assholes. I won't, though.

Instead I'll say that Dale is in for a long life as a freak, and his bastard classmates and the douche bags running the school are doing him a favor. Human beings have very little tolerance for any thing that can be pereived as 'different' and young Dale is well served to have this made clear at an early age.

It's not all bad news. Here's some reasons Dale should be thankful he's weird.

1. Some women find bald men to be incredibly sexually alluring, and if he wears a long leather coat he can look like some sort of futuristic badass.

2. His lack of pubic hair will make his junk appear to be much larger than it actually is. Most men have to dedicate a lot of time to earn that same effect.

3. Even though he is British and probably has terrible teeth, they probably aren't as bad as many of the muthafuckas I see every day around here in Souf Dakota. I'm not kidding, people around here have the most nightmarish smiles I've ever seen.

So buck up Dale, you poor limey hairless goof ball.

Could be worse.